You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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