Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just gargled with NyQuil
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize