You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
