Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
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