I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
