I'm gonna have a badass scar
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
