It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
