Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
