its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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