If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
