Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize