mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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