turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Randomize
