True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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