good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
