Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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