I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
