There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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