dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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