it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
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