After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
