In the future we'll all be gay
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
