dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
