Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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