ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
