Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
