Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
