Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
