My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
