she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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