Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
