just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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