I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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