you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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