WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
