Got a toothbrush?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
