I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
