I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
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