When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
