I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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