I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
