"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
