Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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