I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
