I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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