booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
