Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
