woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
