im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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