You can't motorboat a personality
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
