Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
