I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
