your parents love me but you hate me
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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