There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
