just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
