My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
