Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
