We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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