Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
